Eric Tapley

My mystery rash – let’s not call it poison ivy any more – first appeared on July 22nd. It’s been nearly a month of dealing with this unknown, recurring, mystery thing. It’s painful, itchy, irritating, hot, prickly, and makes my skin feel tight. At times I feel short of breath, almost as if I can’t take a deep breath, and that’s scary. Behind my elbows and knees, and between my fingers, my skin has become inflamed and sensitive and bleeds now and then from the chaffing. When I wake in the morning there is often a little blood on the sheets from my legs.

But I can’t stop moving or using my hands or walking or living. I have to move forward the best I can.

All of this is starting to get to me. I’m trying to be optimistic but I feel a little lost. I’m losing track of tasks that I need to finish, I don’t have the same focus or drive at work (which is in large part due to the medication I’m on). The days seem to bleed together, and on top of it all I’m not sleeping well. Each of these feeds the other.

I constantly worry that this is in fact contagious and that Sam will get sick from it. I’ve had nightmares about that. I obsessively wash my hands an am incredibly careful every time I play with him. I use a separate towel to dry my hands and even have a ’sick sheet’ I put on the couch when I sit there so, just in case this is infectious, even just a little, I’m not leaving residue around.

Even still, he has some kind of rash. The doctor said it’s unrelated, something called “prickly heat rash,” and that he’s fine. But I worry and don’t feel any better that she’s given it a benign name - what if it is from me?

During my long years of battling Colitis I experienced this kind of depression frequently. It’s the unknown that gets to me – I don’t deal well with situations in which I feel helpless or out of control – and with a good long walk and a little reflection I’m able to pull through and get back to a positive, optimistic place. It’s just hard sometimes.

It’s hard right now.